Visitors are urged to post their favorite jokes....

If the joke is "green" well, don't forget to put it in spoiler tags. That will serve as a warning na bastos ang joke na yun... and it will be up to the discretion of the viewer kung babasahin nya yun...

So, come on!!! Share some sunshine! Make someone's day brighter! Tell a joke!!!


My joke: "The Drunk Priest"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

* Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
* There are 10 commandments, not 12.
* There are 12 disciples, not 10.
* Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
* Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his @ss"
* We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
* The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
* David slew Goliath; he did not "kick the cr@p outta him."
* When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was "stoned off his @ss."
* We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
* When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
* The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
* The recommended grace before a meal is NOT "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
* There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a "Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's."

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grabeh yan!!!


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.



The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”



The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”



There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

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o_0;;
WHOA!!!


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Oi, Meg-chan!!! If you're here, check this out...



Ikaw, ha? You have your own magazine and you're not telling us...?!

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A blond wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman- type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch,"he replies. "How much will you charge?" The blond said "How about $50.00 ?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder were in the garage. The man's wife inside the house heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blond answered. "And I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats". Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.00 "And by the way," the blond added, "that's not a Porch... it's a Ferrari!!!"

Cute




Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" !

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce replies instantly, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is adorable anymore!!!!

OI!!!! That was on the verge of a SPOILER WARNING tag!!!!

Pero funny!!!!

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After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...' 'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.' 'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .' 'Very well, then.'

The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.' 'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Jacobs. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'

'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.' 'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'

'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.' 'Don't I know!' said Mrs. Jacobs.

The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. 'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Jacobs. 'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.' 'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. 'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'

Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um...equipment?' 'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.

Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'

'Tripod? ' Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.

'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action... Ma'am...ma'am...good God, she's fainted!'

Strange but ture (supposedly)




When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and pulled the trigger again. This time it worked.



The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.



A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her



After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.



An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.



A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.

Off topic: Where did you get that?! I didn't know there's a mag like that...

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Oi, Meg-chan!!! If you're gonna post here, at least leave us a joke!!!
If you must know, I got it off 4chan.
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The Three Bears...
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table,
and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He
looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have
to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last
night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to
fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the
litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.


And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses
downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence,
listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

Spoiler warning: Plot and/or ending details follow

I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

Spoilers end here

matagal na to pero...asteg pa rin...

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS!



Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the he wants.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

The eternal conundrum”what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable
object” was finally solved when Chuck Norris punched himself in the face.

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

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ehehe un lang..

KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw....

----"Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, 'yung katiwala niyo
sa bahay-bakasyunan niyo."
---’’O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba?
---"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga
ninyong parrot."
---"'Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? 'Yung nanalo sa bird show?
---"Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po."
---"Naku ... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong 'yon.
Hay buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?"
---"E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...."
---"Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya
ng bulok na karne?"
---"W-W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo."
---"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr Arnaldo?"
---"E, 'yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat sila
sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."
---"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg?"
---"'Yun pong pinam-patay namin ng sunog."
---"Naku ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yang pinagsasasabi mo?"
---"'Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo.... Tumumba po 'yung isang
nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat
ang apoy...."
---"Ano? Argh.... E, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a.
Para saan 'yung kandila?"
---"Para sa burol po."
---"Ano? Kaninong burol?
---"Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito nu'ng isang gabi,
walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw....
Nabaril ko..."

Seriously, these are some really bad jokes. Dunno why I’m even posting them, other than to say I did. This reminds me of the cheesy stuff we used to pass around back in 2nd grade or something, ahhh… memories. At any rate, these are pretty much the worst jokes I could find. Enjoy! …. or maybe not.

Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

Did I ever tell you the story about the broken pencil? It had no point.

I was reading a book about adhesive the other day. I just couldn’t put it down.

Q: What’s the friendliest school?
A: Hi school.

Q: What’s black, white, black, white, and green?
A: Two skunks fighting over a pickle.

Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard. (It’s good for hot dogs.)

Q: What do you call a bass vocalist who sings by himself?
A: So-low.

Q: Where do books eat dinner?
A: At the table of contents.

Q: Why were the suspenders arrested?
A: For holding up a pair of pants.

Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
A: A lumpy milkshake.

Q; What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school?
A: Not only have you let me down, you’ve let yourself down, and you’ve let the whole school down!

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: Because he overswept.

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Ahahahahaha....!!!! That stuff was so cheesy, my hamster would eat it...!!! Antagal ko na di nadinig yun, a!!!

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Warning! Green Joke up ahead!

Spoiler warning: Plot and/or ending details follow

Did you hear the one about the two Russian prostitutes? --One was called Zukka Mikokoff and the other one was named Ivanna Humfalott!!!

Spoilers end here

OT:


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i know its better than green jokes................

im so sorry......

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O, di ko na kasalanan yun, a.... May warning na sya...
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A guy went to the gas station to have his tank filled up. The gasoline attendant spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of his van.
The attendant asks the driver, "Why do you have a pair of penguins in the back seat?"
"I found them," the guy answers, "but I don't know what to do with them."
"Take them to the zoo," the attendant replies.
"Hey, that's a great idea," says the guy and drives away.
The next day, the guy is back at the same gas station. The attendant notices that the penguins are still in the van.
"Hey, why are the penguins still with you?! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the guy "And we surely had a great time. Today I'm taking them to the mall."

Once upon a time, in a kingdon far, far-away...
There lived a beautiful princess. But she was cursed
with a dreadful enchantment. Whatever she held in
her hands would wither and melt.

Her father, the Sultan, grew worried with each passing
day. It was almost the princess' 18th birthday and he was
worried that nobody would be able to marry her.
So, a day before her birthday, the sultan invited all the
great princes of the neighboring countries to see who
could break the dreaded curse. Whoever could bring
ANYTHING that would not melt and wither under his
daughter's hands would become his son-in-law.

First came Prince Valiant, he brought a GIGANTIC diamond
to the princess. "Fair Princess," said he. "This is the hardest
stone in our kingdom! Please, take it!" The princess took the
egg-sized gemstone...and suddenly, it melted like butter!!!
Valiant went away disappointed.

Next came Prince Arthur, who brought a necklace of solid platinum.
"Fair Princess," said he. "This is the hardest metal in our kingdom!
Please, take it!" The princess took the shiny necklace...and suddenly,
it melted like hot wax!!
Needless to say, Arthur went away heartbroken.

Finally, Prince Amir stepped forward.
"Fair Princess," he announced. "My gift is inside my pocket.
Please, reach inside and be amazed!"
The Princess slowly reached inside prince Amir's trouser pockets...
Felt around for a bit, then her eyes grew wide with wonder and
amazement! It didn't melt! She kissed Amir on the cheeks and declared
that it will be prince Amir who will be her husband.

What was inside Amir's pants?
Take a guess.
Come on...






Ok, I'll tell.
It was...






M&Ms. Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.

Ok, so what were you REALLY thinking????

Another one on the verge of a "Spoiler Tag" warning...

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As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.

Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The programme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.

What would you do if you got on the first ever flight of
AeroAmerica's passenger shuttle to the moon and then,
while travelling to the moon, you heard the following
announcement over the intercom:

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Robot Pilot speaking.
Welcome aboard AeroAmerica's very first Moon Express
transit! We hope to make your journey as comfortable as
possible on this shuttle, which is a product of the very best
in Aviation Technology. We assure you of 100% top-rate
computer technology in this craft, eliminating any possibility of
human error human error human error huuummmaaaan errrrrrroooorrrrrrrrr.....